Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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