i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
