my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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