C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Text me some of your sweat
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
