Sponge bath it is.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
