I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
You smell like a Billy Joel song
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
