he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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