U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
