i just had sex bonerless
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
