I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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