You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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