I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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