the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I forgot wine drunk hurts
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
