I need to stop coming to work sober
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
