I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He literally asked permission to hit on me
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
