I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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