"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
