You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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