I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
