there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize