i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i will never coherently bang her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
