I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
