Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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