I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
