So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
