Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize