my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The struggles of a small town man whore
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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