Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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