Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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