today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
