She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
