this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
