my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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