I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They have beer where we have blood.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
