So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
