My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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