It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
