stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
