dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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