What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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