I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
