just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
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