The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
