I wish my penis had an off switch
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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