3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
