I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
