True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Randomize
