Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
