Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
3pm strippers are depressing
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
