I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize