I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
