last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
