I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
