it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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