He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
