what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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