life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
